6 Life Lessons NYC Taught Me as a Therapist for Gay Men in Their 20s

Hi, I’m Kent—a Licensed Master Social Worker and psychotherapist in New York City. This summer marks my sixth anniversary here, and to commemorate the milestone, I’m sharing six life lessons I’ve learned along the way. 

These lessons reflect both my own experiences and my clinical work with young gay men in therapy, as they navigate life, identity, and connection in the city. What I’ve learned along the way informs my approach and offers insights into building a life that’s authentic, balanced, and meaningful. 

I hope they resonate with you…and if you want to talk more, I’m here! 

1. It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint: Slowing Down in a Fast City

One of the things that draws so many of us—especially gay men—to New York is the sense that anything is possible. New friends, new scenes, new jobs, and new versions of ourselves feel like they could just be around every corner. And while that abundance can be thrilling, it can also be overwhelming.

If you grew up in a smaller town or in a space where you had to shrink or hide parts of yourself, chances are you arrived here with a mindset shaped by scarcity. You may have learned to chase every opportunity, say yes to everything, and push yourself to move fast—because, for a long time, it felt like you had one shot to get out, get noticed, or get ahead.

But New York isn’t going anywhere. There will always be another invite, event, hookup, job lead, or social scene to explore. The real challenge isn’t keeping up—it’s slowing down enough to ask: Is this pace working for me?

In therapy, we can unpack the internal messages driving you to sprint through life like it’s a race to be won. Together, we can explore what it looks like to live with intention rather than urgency. Because building a life that’s not just exciting but sustainable—and rooted in your real wants and needs—isn’t just possible. It’s what you deserve.

2. Quality Over Quantity: Redefining Friendship as a Gay Man in NYC

In many gay spaces—especially online—there’s often a subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) pressure to be part of a big, visible, socially active friend group. Social media can make it seem like everyone has a tight-knit circle, always out, always connected, always “on.” It’s an appealing image, but it’s also one that can create unrealistic expectations about friendship, intimacy, and what our social lives should look like.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re falling short in comparison, you’re not alone. Many gay men come to therapy navigating these exact pressures: trying to reconcile the desire for belonging with the deeper need for authenticity and emotional safety.

Part of our work together can involve exploring those urges—to be seen, to be included, to fit in—and understanding where they come from. More importantly, we can look at what you truly want from your relationships. That might mean stepping back from the pressure to have a huge social circle and instead focusing on identifying your core values and finding friendships that feel reciprocal, grounded, and real.

It’s not always easy. Creating meaningful connections can feel more vulnerable and take more time. But ultimately, these kinds of relationships often offer more fulfillment, support, and joy than any number of Instagram likes or group photos ever could. 

3. View Your Twenties as “Continuing Education”

Many of us arrive in New York right after graduation, eager to leave high school classrooms, college campuses, or even graduate programs far behind us in the rearview mirror. We jump into New York as though we’re diving into the “real world.” 

But speaking from personal experience, what helped me most in adjusting to New York wasn’t abandoning the structure of my academic past—it was finding ways to carry it with me. Once I started viewing my twenties as a kind of continuing education, everything shifted. I gave myself permission to keep learning, growing, and exploring—just in new and often unexpected ways.

Seeing life in phases, like semesters, can be a helpful way to organize your time and track your progress. It provides a familiar framework to reflect on where you’ve been, where you want to go, and how you’re spending your energy. More importantly, it reminds you to give yourself grace during this huge transition. Change takes time, patience, and strength.

Just like the seasons shift and semesters end, your life will naturally evolve—and that’s something to celebrate, not fear. Using external markers to chart your internal growth can be powerful, especially when so much of what’s changing feels invisible.

If you’re craving ways to keep your mind active and to connect with others, taking classes or workshops can be an even more direct way of integrating aspects of your former academic life into your present. It’s a great way to meet new people, explore new communities in the city, and keep expanding how you see yourself and the world around you.

4. Learning What You Don’t Want Is Just as Important as Knowing What You Do

If you’re in your twenties, you’ve probably been asked some version of, “What do you want to do with your life?” It’s a question that can feel empowering—or paralyzing. For many gay men, especially those navigating identity, relationships, career, and community all at once, the pressure to “figure it all out” can feel especially intense.

Here’s the truth: it’s completely okay not to know. In fact, not knowing can be one of the most honest and productive starting points.

Sometimes, it’s easier to begin by naming what you don’t want—what doesn’t feel right, what doesn’t align, what leaves you drained or disconnected. Whether it’s a job that feels performative, a relationship that doesn’t meet your emotional needs, or even a haircut you instantly regret—these “no’s” are part of the process. They aren’t failures; they’re clarifiers.

Therapy can help you reframe those moments—not as detours or wrong turns, but as meaningful data points. You’re not behind. You’re exploring. You’re figuring out who you are and what actually matters to you, beyond external expectations or social scripts.

Coming to value that exploration, and even the mistakes along the way, isn’t just healing. It’s self-trust, and it’s the foundation for building a life that feels authentic, grounded, and uniquely yours.

5. The Devil Wears Prada is Still the Best Movie Ever Made

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my twenties is what I call “The Devil Wears Prada lesson”: just because a million girls would kill for the job… doesn’t mean you have to want it.

In your twenties—especially as a gay man—it’s easy to get swept up in wanting things simply because others seem to want them. The job, the apartment, the relationship, the body, the friend group, the vacation photos—it can all feel like a benchmark of success or desirability. While chasing those things might bring temporary validation, it rarely leads to long-term fulfillment.

Learning to tell the difference between what you think you want and what you actually want is hard work. But it’s some of the most transformative work you can do. And therapy offers a space dedicated to just that: understanding where your wants and values come from, examining the beliefs you’ve internalized (often unconsciously) from family, culture, or early life experiences, and deciding what still fits and what no longer serves you.

Many of us carry outdated definitions of success, desirability, or identity long past their expiration date. But those beliefs don’t have to define your present. Therapy can help you let go of the script and write your own, making choices based not on what others expect of you, but on who you actually are and what makes you feel most alive.

Not because, according to Miranda Priestly, “everyone wants to be us”—but because you finally feel at home being yourself.

6. We’re All Still Figuring It Out

No matter your age, your job title, your bank account, or how long you’ve lived in New York—there’s probably still something you’re working on. Something you’re trying to understand, heal, improve, or grow into. That might be about yourself, your family, your relationships, your career, or your place in the world.

The truth is, life isn’t linear. Neither is adulthood. And being a “real New Yorker”? That doesn’t have a finish line either. These are all ongoing, evolving processes—and nobody has it all figured out, no matter how polished things might look on the outside.

For many gay men, especially those who’ve had to navigate years of hiding, adapting, or striving to belong, it can feel like we’re always behind, always catching up to some ideal version of success or stability. Therapy offers space to pause that noise. To accept the truth that we’re all in process – that there’s real power in embracing the journey of becoming.

Disappointments, setbacks, heartbreaks, and confusion… they’re not signs you’re failing. They’re signs you’re living. And when we approach our lives with that lens—one of compassion, reflection, and curiosity—we create room to grow in ways that are authentic and lasting.

Whether you’ve been in New York for 10 minutes or 10 years, you’re not supposed to have it all figured out. You’re supposed to be figuring yourself out. And that’s not only okay, it’s exactly the point.

Ready to Talk?

If any of these reflections resonate with you—or even if they don’t, but sparked something worth exploring—I’d love to hear your story. Therapy with me is a space where your experiences, questions, and contradictions are all welcome.

Reach out today to schedule a free consultation. Let’s explore what building a grounded, fulfilling life could look like for you.