A Girl’s Gay vs. A Gay’s Gay: How Therapy Can Unlock the Deeper Meaning Underneath These Labels 

Written by Kent McDonald, LMSW

If you’ve spent time around gay men, whether in person or online, you’ve likely encountered the playful discourse revolving around being a “girl’s gay” and a “gay’s gay.” While these labels are often used tongue-in-cheek and for lighthearted, Sex and the City-esque banter, what lies beneath their seemingly frivolous veil are legitimate questions about belonging, identity, and community. 

Although labels are nothing new to the gay community, I’ve found in my practice as a therapist working with gay men that they can be a valuable entry point for self-reflection and discovery. It’s worth asking what’s going on and considering our own perspectives when we both hear and use these labels, whether it’s online, in person with friends, or even in session as a client and therapist. Taking the time to pause, reflect, and explore how these labels are resonating with us, identifying and considering the particular set of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that lie beneath the cheeky surface of girl’s gay and gay’s gay —can unlock poignant observations regarding connection, authenticity, and self-acceptance. 

I want to use this space to explore these themes, offering a way to approach the deeper meanings that can be potentially unlocked when we encounter these labels – whether in session or in the “real world.” Hopefully, by delving beneath the surface of identity labels, we can discover their origins, their functions, as well as what lies beneath, which can ultimately empower us to pursue more authentic and genuine connections with our peers, friends, and ourselves. 

So, what is a “Girl’s Gay”?

A girl’s gay is often described as a gay man whose social life revolves around women. More specifically, straight women. Think brunch dates, shopping trips, or being the “funny, stylish best friend” who’s adored in female spaces. A girl’s gay bears a lot of resemblance to the “gay best friend” trope we’ve all seen depicted countless times in mainstream TV and film. 

Here are some ways the girl’s gay identity label shows up in therapy: 

• Belonging through female friendships.

  Many men describe feeling safer with women earlier in life, before they had the confidence to step into gay and queer spaces. In therapy, we can explore how affirming those bonds, as well as identify any potential challenges or limitations they may also impose. We can also consider the protective value female bonds offer gay and questioning men, potentially providing a cover from homophobia while also potentially restricting gay men’s ability to form connections with peers. 

• Ambivalence about queer community.

  Some clients ask: Am I truly part of gay culture if most of my social life is with women? This invites conversations about inclusion, fear of judgment, and what’s happening when we express a longing for deeper friendships with gay peers.

• Boundaries and performance.

  Another recurring theme we encounter when discussing the girl’s gay label is this felt responsibility to be the “performative gay friend” — the expectation to be always on, to be witty, charming, or emotionally available. Therapy can help us acknowledge the validation that might come from performing this role for others while also exploring what happens when the lights go out, the performance ends, and we are left with just ourselves. 

• Dating challenges.

  Mainly relying on female friendships can leave some gay men feeling disconnected from dating opportunities with their peers. It can leave some feeling as though their lives are being further delayed and suspended as their straight peers continue to develop along the conventional milestones of heteronormative adulthood (i.e., the courtship to marriage to suburbia pipeline). Therapy can become a place first to acknowledge the frustrations and/or limitations of being the gay friend in a group of straight women before clients begin the delicate but impactful process of creating new connections while holding onto old ones. 

 

And then, what is a “Gay’s Gay”?

A gay’s gay would be considered someone whose identity and social life centers around community with other gay men. Often, but not always, their social network is rooted in nightlife, activism, or both. A quick search of “#instagay” on Instagram can probably offer a more illuminating and effective portrait than I ever could. 

In therapy, the gay’s gay identity label might surface as:

• Immersion in gay culture.

  Clients can describe nightlife, friend groups, and chosen family as affirming, especially for those who grew up in communities and spaces where queer identities were ostracized. At the same time, therapy can provide space for nuance: exploring both the positive qualities of discovering a chosen family, while also acknowledging the pressures of “keeping up” with image, fitness, or social status, particularly when these spaces can prioritize a specific kind of gayness that platforms whiteness, muscularity, and conventional masculinity while marginalizing others. 

• Community validation.

  Being desired or admired can be a powerful feeling. Therapy invites us to explore the validation, in all its messy glory, prompting us to ask: Who am I when I’m not being validated? Therapy can also explore the components of one’s identity that contribute to such validation, as well as the parts of ourselves that are just as meaningful but perhaps do not receive as much external recognition – or likes on Instagram. 

• Comparison and competition.

  Many clients who are navigating predominantly gay male spaces for the first time can notice feelings of competition — over bodies, careers, or just general confidence and self-image. Therapy can help untangle the thorniness of these feelings, helping to unveil whether these comparisons are motivating growth or eroding self-esteem.

• Pride and vulnerability.

  A gay’s gay may feel strong queer pride, but therapy often works through the tension between this pride and lingering wounds from family rejection or heteronormative expectations. While pride and vulnerability may feel contradictory, therapy can help us consider how they can coexist and, ultimately, reinforce one another to promote a more cohesive self that understands and celebrates the fullness of our lives. 

 

The Deeper Theme: Belonging and Authenticity

Whether someone identifies more as a girl’s gay or a gay’s gay, the heart of the conversation often comes back to belonging. Especially for gay men who have newly come out, or are early on in their lives, belonging is essential. It provides crucial support as gay men navigate the checkered waters of life, figuring out who they want to be, where they feel at home, and how to balance the different communities they’re a part of. 

Therapy offers space to check in with ourselves and consider these questions, asking: 

• Where do I feel most like myself?
• Am I chasing approval, or am I rooted in self-acceptance?
• How do I want to show up in both queer spaces and in my wider circles of connection?

At the end of the day, these playful labels can spark valuable, deeper exploration. They remind us that being gay isn’t a one-size-fits-all story. It’s a journey of finding the people and places that help us feel our most authentic, fully realized selves. 

Exploring These Questions in Therapy

If you’re a gay man and these questions of identity, belonging, and connection strike a chord, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. 

I specialize in therapy for gay men in NYC, with a focus on the unique challenges of what it means to be gay in today’s society. Whether it’s building confidence in queer spaces, to navigating relationships, to cultivating self-acceptance in a city that can feel both exciting and overwhelming, these are all topics we can explore together. 

If you’re curious about examining these themes in your own life, I welcome you to reach out. Together, we can create space to reflect, heal, and move toward a more balanced and fulfilled version of yourself.