An attachment bond is an emotional relationship involving the exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure between an individual and another person (e.g., a child and their parent or caregiver). Early researchers on attachment—John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and Mary Main—described this bond as “a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.” Bowlby believed your early childhood influences your behavioral and thought patterns in adulthood. This becomes your internal working model of attachment, a mental representation formed through your early experiences with your primary caregiver.
How you initially viewed the world is challenged or affirmed through your interpersonal relationships. You then make inferences about the world and the people around you. Essentially, these become rules you live by. Most times, these are unconscious and deeply held beliefs informing how much security and safety you feel. The style you most identify with is not solely based on your relationship with your parents or caregivers but also other factors and experiences that include other significant figures in your life.
There are four primary attachment styles. There are some variations, but we’ll focus on the main styles for now.
Secure
When you have a secure attachment, you generally display confidence and trust in your relationships. You are comfortable with intimacy and independence, balancing the two healthily. You are also comfortable with conflict and aren’t overwhelmed by relational disagreements.
Example of secure attachment in a relationship:
Jamie and Taylor have been dating for a few years. When Taylor mentions wanting to spend the upcoming weekend with old college friends, Jamie is supportive and feels comfortable with her partner being away with other people. She even uses the time—which she sees as an opportunity for them to develop their individual interests—to catch up on her hobbies. The two are communicative. They chat about their plans, expressing love and assurance before spending time apart.
Anxious
If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to be overly concerned about your relationships, seeking validation and reassurance from your partner(s) to quell your insecurities. You may feel (or fear) your relationship is persistently hanging by a thread. You feel you are not good enough and constantly need reassurance. You may also find yourself constantly seeking to do the “right” thing to keep your partner(s) around. These feelings likely stem from feelings of or actual abandonment from others you once perceived as people you could feel safe around. Emotional abandonment is another reason you may be anxiously attached if you attempted to bond with a caregiver/parent/significant figure in your life but the latter was dismissive or lacked the ability to emotionally connect with you, making it difficult to trust the security of any relationship. A familiar thought of anxiously attached people is, Are you mad at me?
Example of anxious attachment in a relationship:
Sam recently started dating Jordan. When Jordan doesn’t immediately return Sam’s text messages, Sam feels nervous and assumes the worst—that Jordan has lost interest or is cheating. Sam checks their phone obsessively and contemplates sending more messages to get some form of reassurance from Jordan.
Avoidant
Here, you learned to be independent because your needs were neglected in your childhood or past relationships. You now value this independence to the point of pushing others away, minimizing the importance of relationships. Your early relationships were likely emotionally unreliable, rigid, or unresponsive to your emotional and psychological needs. You now find that it is difficult to get close to another person.
You prefer to recharge your social energy meter by being alone; for people who are more avoidant though you are likely sitting in frustration, anger, and ruminating thoughts. This may mean that in a disagreement or argument, you will shut down, needing space and time to think and regulate your emotions independently. Relational conflict may also leave you thinking, I’m better off alone, anyway. You may even choose to end a relationship – getting too emotionally close to someone feels dangerous – because people have disappointed you in the past when you expressed your needs, and you no longer see the point of a relationship. Now, you’d rather attend to your needs without relying on anyone. Your lack of trust in those around you leaves you highly self-reliant.
Example of an avoidant attachment in a relationship:
Chris enjoys spending time with Alex, but when Alex starts discussing future plans and deeper feelings, Chris pulls away. Preferring to keep things light and non-committal, he avoids conversations about emotions or the future of their relationship. He fears it might lead to the loss of his independence (when it may be fear of loss of self-reliance).
Disorganized
A mix of anxiety and avoidance characterizes this attachment style. If you have it, you desire close relationships but fear getting hurt, leading to mixed signals and unstable relationships. Expressing your emotions may be extremely difficult. You may not understand how you feel. You may also not know what to say—clarifying your internal world is often distressing for you and others.
Example of a disorganized attachment in a relationship:
Jesse has a tumultuous relationship with their partner. Moments of closeness can be followed by sudden withdrawal. Jesse desires intimacy but fears getting too close, leading to unpredictable reactions: clinging to a loved one at one moment and pushing them away in the next. They are also confused by their conflicting needs.
These attachment styles manifest in nuanced ways in adulthood. In childhood, attachment focuses on the caregiver-child bond. In adulthood, attachment extends to romantic partners, friends, and surrounding communities. Understanding the origins of your attachment style is one important step in highlighting areas for personal growth and healing, leading to healthier relationships.
Keep in mind that attachment styles may begin as secure with your parents/caregivers and change after an expected incident like severe injury, mental illness, death, or some other extenuating or traumatic circumstance. Likewise, your style can evolve from insecure to secure as you learn to develop deep meaningful relationships. This means you are not assigned a style and stuck with it like your astrological signs (excluding that one blip in time where “they” changed the dates for astrological signs in the early 2000’s then said nevermind—that’s a story for another day). Below are four concepts that can help you move toward healthy, secure, and safe relationships.
The Four S’s of Attachment
Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center, founded this concept. Siegel believed constant support from parents could help them develop a secure attachment. The four support pillars—seen, safe, soothed, and secure—are a blueprint for what you should strive for in healthy, supportive relationships:
Seen:
Feeling recognized and understood by your partner, beyond the surface level.
Safe:
Knowing you can express your thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment or rejection.
Soothed:
Having emotional support during distress, knowing your partner will be comforting and understanding.
Secure:
Trusting your partner’s consistent responsiveness and presence, creating a stable foundation for the relationship.
These pillars not only define what you must aim for in your relationships but also serve as a guide for personal reflection on how you can be a better partner.
Avoidant vs. Anxious Attachment
The difference between avoidant and anxious attachment styles lies primarily in how individuals respond to closeness and dependency in relationships. Anxious individuals crave closeness and approval. They often fear abandonment, leading to clinginess or neediness in relationships. Avoidant individuals, on the other hand, (over)prioritize independence and self-sufficiency and distance themselves to avoid vulnerability which has led to disappointment in the past.
Recognizing Insecure Attachment
There are various signs of an insecure attachment, a mix of both anxious and avoidant styles, and these include difficulty trusting others, fear of intimacy, or a pattern of unstable relationships.
For individuals navigating the complexities of non-monogamy, understanding attachment styles can be particularly illuminating, as explored in our post on “Queer Relationships: The Importance of Secure Attachment in Non-Monogamy”. Similarly, experiencing ambiguous loss, such as the family rejection of LGBTQIA+ children, can profoundly affect your attachment style, necessitating a journey of understanding yourself and healing.
Take Away
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step toward healing so you can cultivate meaningful and secure connections. Remember, this journey is not about perfection but your continuous effort to be better and foster relationships that are seen, safe, soothed, and secure.
