Traumatic experiences often look different in each setting, but they all stem from emotional, psychological, and physical abuse (to name a few). The maltreatment you endure impacts the way you perceive or understand yourself; it also psychologically re-organizes your understanding of the world around you. The exposure to repeated and persistent traumatic events, more specifically those experienced through interpersonal relationships is known as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), or complex trauma. Symptoms of complex trauma are confusing; they can cause emotional numbness, make the idea of love seem impossible, and make it more challenging to develop meaningful relationships. Let’s take some time to understand complex trauma and what healing can look like in your relationships.
What is C-PTSD?
As briefly stated above, C-PTSD or complex trauma refers to exposure to multiple traumatic events. These events are often invasive and interpersonal, resulting in various long-term psychological, physiological, and emotional effects. Some of these effects include difficulties with emotional regulation, a sense of constant threat, and challenges with trust and emotional and physical intimacy. Complex trauma affects not only your mind but also your body. It’s impact on your body can look like elevated heart rates, high blood pressure, frequent tension headaches and migraines, gastrointestinal issues, etc.
Complex traumatic experiences influence how you perceive yourself and your relationships with others. You may feel a constant desire for love, affection, and intimacy (in various forms), yet the thoughts and actions required to become vulnerable with another person feel too threatening. You fear repetition of harm and act accordingly to preserve your safety (psychological, emotional, physical, social), even if that means social isolation. This does not always happen on a conscious level; you may be reacting to not only your emotions but your physical and neurological responses to senses of perceived threat. Essentially, your fight-or-flight responses are activated and followed by defenses to preserve your sense of safety.
Can Trauma Make You Unable to Love?
Complex trauma can significantly impact your ability to trust and love, causing fears and insecurities that hinder close relationships. When you experience repeated and persistent neglect or physical, emotional, and/or psychological harm from significant people in your life, accepting love and empathy becomes hard. You may begin to perceive love, empathy, or compassion as disingenuous or threatening. It’s not that you are unable to love, not at all. You may find it difficult to love and, sometimes, downright scary.
Can You Heal From Trauma While in a Relationship?
In short, yes.
Healing from trauma while in a relationship is possible and can be a powerful journey of mutual growth and understanding. (You can read about attachment and relationships here) A supportive partner can play a significant role throughout the healing process, offering empathy, patience, and supportive love. This process involves creating a safe space where vulnerabilities can be shared without fear of judgment or reprisal. It also means learning to communicate needs and boundaries more effectively, which can strengthen the relationship. Each time you resolve a conflict, misunderstanding, or pain point in new ways, you set the framework for improved interpersonal relationships and a stronger sense of self that is not crippled by the fear of disappointing or being harmed by others.
Incorporating therapeutic interventions, such as couples therapy or individual therapy focusing on trauma, can also facilitate this healing process. Contrary to what some may think, therapy involves more than talking about traumatic experiences or reliving your past. The process itself is an engaged exploration of how those experiences impacted you and how they’re affecting your sense of self and relationships. Part of the “work” is making meaning of your present-day experiences and creating new narratives where you can get in touch with yourself and your needs. Through the interpretations that are made together with your therapist, you find new ways of understanding yourself and others.
Check out the fictitious vignette below.
April’s early years were marked by the looming presence of her overbearing parents whose high expectations often crossed into the realm of control and harsh criticism. Every aspect of her life—from her studies to her social interactions—was closely monitored and critiqued, leaving little room for personal exploration or mistakes.
In school, April was the quintessential overachiever, her every accomplishment a direct result of her parents’ unyielding standards. Friendships were few and far between as her parents insisted on vetting her peers, approving only those who matched their strict criteria. This forced isolation fostered a deep-seated fear of rejection, making her wary of new connections and overly cautious in her interactions.
As April grew into adulthood, the effects of her childhood environment became more pronounced in her romantic relationships. Her partners often described her as “hard to read” and “distant,” not because she lacked depth of feeling, but because she was so accustomed to guarding her emotions, a protective measure against the criticism she had come to expect.
April’s history with controlling parents left her constantly striving for perfection in herself and unconsciously expecting the same from her partners. This often led to tensions and misunderstandings. She found it difficult to establish the healthy give-and-take dynamic that’s vital to lasting relationships, as her early experiences taught her that vulnerability was a precursor to pain.
Despite these challenges, April’s journey with therapy began to open her eyes to the roots of her interpersonal struggles. Learning about complex trauma and understanding its impact on her life has been pivotal. With professional help, she’s started to untangle the complex web of her upbringing, slowly learning to build trust in herself and others, striving for authenticity over perfection.
The Path Forward
The journey through trauma, love, and relationships is unique to each individual. While it can be challenging, it also offers you opportunities for deep personal growth and closer bonds with others. With understanding, patience, and professional support, you can learn to navigate your way to fulfilling relationships and a deeper sense of self-love.
Peeling away the layers of protection around your heart takes time, patience, and a need to understand yourself and be understood by others. These protective layers—for instance, withholding feelings to prevent being criticized or feeling devalued by others—developed over time, and you’re worth the time it’ll take you to be open to learning more about yourself in ways that are generative and not reductive. I am fondly borrowing the “you are worth the time…” statement from the Trans Handy Ma’am , Mercury Stardust, which meaningfully exemplifies what self-empathy looks like when unpacking a lifelong narrative of not feeling worthy. Make space for yourself to learn to love freely.
If therapy isn’t the path for you right now, there are other options you can consider: trauma informed yoga, meditation, and retreats. List some of your own ideas of what that may look like. This will be the start of your journey toward self-compassion. Remember, you can seek professional guidance if this becomes overwhelming, confusing, or distressing.
Here are some prompting questions to help you get in touch with yourself:
- What makes me unique? List three things about yourself that make you shine or happy. If you’re having trouble, ask a close friend to help you. Repeat these to yourself daily.
- Over the last three years what have I learned or grown from in my experiences, how have they changed me?
- When was the last time I laughed hard and felt good? Who was with me? How can I make that happen more often?
*Please note that this blog is not a replacement for psychotherapeutic treatment. The focus is to be psychoeducational and provide the fundamental tools to move toward better self-understanding.
